I feel a little sad today. I’m not quite sure why. I feel a little detached from myself. The day has been ok so I don’t know why I would feel like this. Holly and Mary had their first book signing today at Borders. Then we went home and Gavin slept until about 3:45pm while I lay on the couch and watched an episode of Carnivale. Mary sat with me for a bit and we split a beer. The she went up to her room to rest. Holly took a short rest when we got home and then came down to join me shortly before Mary went up. Then Holly made dinner. Then we all ate dinner. After dinner, I hopped in the kitchen to wash dishes and clean up the kitchen. After dishes were done and the kitchen was clean I went up to change for work. At this point Gavin woke up. I guess Holly and her mom decided to go out somewhere because Holly dressed Gavin. That is about the time I left for work. Now, here I am typing this and feeling sad. I don’t even know if sad is the word. No, it’s not. What is the word? Blah? Not myself? Down? Unusual? Not exactly sure what it is, but it is not normal for me. Not a feeling I’m used to.

What a crazy week this has been. Sort of a self discovery week sort of thing. It has been wierd. Funny how you can always learn new things about yourself you never thought you could learn. Holly has been stressed. This is her last week of this summer class in which she was to prepare a 30 min presentation and a 15 page paper for a teacher that sucks ( i think I played it down a little with the work “suck”). On another note, I took sort of a dive over the weekend and did some heavy personal venting to my co-worker/friend, otherwise known as “Leggy Redhead”. It felt really good. On one hand it was really strange teller her all these different things about me, but on the other hand I think we could end up being good friends. Open mic night was great again. I met Dave. We got together before this previous Open mic night to practice some stuff together and then played some stuff together at open mic night and for having only practiced that once (and some not at all), it sounded really good. Next week I think we are going to try an acoustic version of “Enter Sandman”. And since VJ’s is BYOB, we are going to bring some B. Last time I brought Holly some Kahlua drinks (referred to in Holly’s blog) since I knew her class was going to be stressful. She appreciated them very much. Holly and her mom have thier first book signing this weekend. Should be cool. Holly has the weekend off from class and work with 4th of July being on Monday. So that is cool. We can spend some time together. I so look forward to that. I am going to reformat my web page. It has bothered me for a while that it was formatted to fit only 1024×768 screens and not 800×600 screens. I think I might stick with the same style, but format it differently. I don’t know. I have a lot to update. “Do you ever feel like you are not who you think you are?”

Another decent day in the land of Hawaii. My morning was invigorating. What did I eat for breakfast? Cake. Chocolate cake. Oh so nutritious. I then spent the afternoon working for karatedepot. Sometime around 2:45 or so, I was ditched and left alone where I could bask in the comforts of being alone. Now I’m at work. I might be able to get out of here by midnight. Maybe. Depends on inventory. I bought my airline tickets for NY in October. I will only be spending a week there. Too short. Holly has not had any other attacks that I know of. She has been avoiding driving. We have been driving her to class and here and there. That will cut down on some of the anxiety. I’m tired. I want to go to bed now. It’s only 10:00. If I don’t finish this blog, I will never get done. Good night. Holly, I hope your evening was wonderful. See you soon.

So now I’m a little more calmed down, I can write and review what went down yesterday. It actually has started a while ago. Holly has been having light-headedness, tiredness, anxiety, and panic attacks. She went to the doctor a couple times who took blood pressure, sugar levels, blah blah blah. Then she made an appointment for Holly to get a CAT of her brain to rule out tumors and what have you (very reassuring, right?). At the same time she was to get a heart monitor so they can see what is going on with her heart during a day and maybe even an attack. So that is how yesterday started. Early in the morning at probably 6:00 or so Holly got up to shower and head out to the hospital for the CAT and to get her monitor. When she returned 2 hours later, she was tired and weak and nauseated. She went up to lay down and rest for a while. She came down maybe an hour later (could be wrong) to get a snack. Apparently the getting up and moving around didn’t do her any good, because she immediately started to have effects of an attack (this I didn’t know quite yet). She went back upstairs fairly quickly. Next thing I know there was a desperate cry for me from the bathroom. It was a “Mike” I’m dying, come and find me, kind of cry; a “Mike” I’m scared and will be unconscious on the floor in 5 seconds, kind of cry. So I ran upstairs to find Holly, pale as a vampire who hasn’t eaten in weeks, sitting on the floor of the bathroom resting her head on the toilet. She unsuccessfully heaved a few times and agreed to be calling the doctor, which I then did. We were to head out immediately. Apparently, as I was calling the doctor, Holly’s nausea turned into a bowel thing. Somehow she still managed to scold me for walking in on her while she was on the pot. She then made her way to the bedroom to lie on the bed and request some apple juice. The apple juice gave her just enough energy to allow me to put shoes on her and get her to the car (all along with Gavin) and drive her to the doctor’s office, weak and pale. At the office, they again got her blood pressure, sugar levels, blah blah blah. They got the results back from the morning CAT. They assured us that she didn’t have a tumor or brain hemorrhage. Yay, but why was she having these episodes? We were told all of the great tests that she had. Her cholesterol was terrific. Some of the best levels the doctor has seen. All of Holly’s levels and counts and numbers were absolutely great. I suppose that is reassuring. After a few questions and small conversation, the doctor started to think that this could all be her body’s reaction to stress and anxiety. That Holly is getting stressed about something, feeling light-headed, maybe like she is going to pass out, and then panics about it because she can’t control it, and eventually passing out. So the doctor prescribed small doses of Xanax to allow Holly to relax a wee bit. I think this made Holly feel better just knowing that she would have some sort of control. Holly was still shaken up at this point. And still a little pale. But knowing that there is nothing physically wrong and that it might just be stress made her feel better also, because that means it is controllable. After the doctor, we went out for lunch while we waited for her prescription to be filled. We talked about what things were stressing her and to what degree. This was a somewhat humorous conversation. I think we were at the point where we were tired of the seriousness of it all and were a little silly. Just a little. Anyway, as we looked at it we decided that school 5 nights a week, work the other two, daily homework, a child, a mother who knows how to nagging and complain a bit, a husband who constantly works, pressure to get a “real” job soon, tight money issues (which she never liked talking about anyway), and then the idea of all these tests and not know what is happening, could very well be stressful and lead to panic attacks. We had a wonderful lunch and Gavin ate a very impressive portion. As we ate Holly had an imaginary conversation with her mom of how to explain the Xanax. Her mom is very anti drug and anti American doctors. Well, maybe not anti, but very, very suspicious about any doctor who would “be so quick” to prescribe drugs to solve a problem. Somewhere about thinking about some of these things, Holly started to feel the symptoms again and stopped to fight them off. She did. At this point we packed up and headed to Times to get her prescription. When we got home, I brought a sleepy boy up to take his nap. As I did so, Holly’s mom came home. Of course Holly started to explain to her mom about the morning. It did not take very long for Mary to start freaking out about the drug. After a minute or so, I went downstairs and sat on the couch next to Holly. Over the next 15 minutes or so, I got the maddest I have been in a really long time. I couldn’t believe her mom. We tell her that Holly’s attacks and issues are stress related and what does she do? She starts going off about how incompetent our doctor is and that we need to get another opinion because you can’t trust any doctor so quickly willing to prescribe a drug so quickly to solve problems. What about Gavin? What will happen when he gets it through breast milk. This is a serious drug. You shouldn’t mess with drugs. You need a new doctor. What is her philosophy on medicine. Blah blah blah. I wanted to smack her right upside the head. Then she managed to turn the situation around to make it about her. “Nobody cared about me when I had problems”, “you don’t love me”. AAaaaaahhhhh. I couldn’t believe she was doing that. I told her that one: how can she possibly say that we don’t care about her, that is the stupidest thing I’ve heard, and to stop, “this isn’t about you, this is about Holly. She is the one currently going through these issues, not you”. I was just utterly amazed at Mary for all the things she was saying. And not just because she was saying them or feeling them, but also because we just told her that Holly’s main problem was stress. And what did she do? Aaarg. It boils my blood just thinking about it. Anyway, after a little bit, I think she started to get the point and calmed down and started to be a bit more helpful and constructive. We then had a reasonable conversation on how to deal with the Xanax and what not. Why can’t we just start at this point and skip all the bullshit she throws out every time? ‘asd/l f;. Sigh. Deep breath. Deeeeeeep breaaaath. Holly took a Xanax anyway. Actually she had taken it just before her mom got home. I think that was a very good thing. In the end it was decided that Holly was stressed and that we would see how the Xanax she took effected her. Meanwhile, she was going to skip class that night (she had a note from the doc) and I would escort her to the movies to watch a relaxing movie. Or Batman. Before we went we were all a ball of stress. I couldn’t stay that way, so I helped to relieve it with a nice bottle of some Märzen (Gordon Biersch beer). Boy did that help. Anyway, we then lied around for about 15- 20 minutes and then left to go to the movie where we drank Sprite and ate popcorn with Mochi Crunch (shoyu covered rice crackers). When we go back from the movie we were locked out. I forgot my keys and Mary and Gavin were up at Loco Moco eating dinner. So we sat on the curb and waited for them. I found if very relaxing. Eventually Gavin came running up the parking lot and gave Holly a huge hug. The rest of the night was pretty much normal. Gavin played with choo choo tracks and watched Thomas, until Holly’s teeth were done (Crest White Strips), and then we all went up for bed. Ahhhh, the day is over. A stressful day much?